Recognising abuse

Everyone has arguments and disagreements with their partners, family members and others close to them from time to time. We may do things that cause unhappiness to those we care about, but if this begins to form a consistent pattern, then it can be an indication of domestic abuse.

If you’re unsure, remember: you don’t have to face this alone. Talking to someone you trust or joining one of our community support programmes, such as The Freedom Programme or Own My Life, can help you make sense of what’s happening.

What is domestic abuse?

Women’s Aid defines domestic abuse as an incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour, including sexual violence, in the majority of cases by a partner or ex-partner, but also by a family member or carer. It is very common. In the vast majority of cases it is experienced by women and is perpetrated by men.

Domestic abuse can include, but is not limited to, the following:

Coercive control (intimidation, isolation, and control, sometimes with threats or violence)
Emotional or psychological abuse
Physical or sexual abuse
Financial abuse
Harassment and stalking
Online or digital abuse

Many women experiencing abuse often...

Think

"Am I going crazy?"

"Is it my fault?"

"Did I bring this on myself?"

"Am I overreacting or being too sensitive?"

"Is this normal?"

"If I seek help, they won’t take me seriously or believe me."

"I don’t have any proof. How can I be sure that it’s not just in my head?"

Say

"He puts so much doubt in my head."

"I just do what I’m told for a quiet life."

"I’m not sure it’s abuse as he’s never hit me"

"I don’t want to call Women’s Aid since all I want to do is talk and cry."

"He says he doesn’t want to hit me; he says I do things that make him angry, and so it’s my fault for upsetting him."

Feel

Confused

Worthless

Anxious

Full of self-doubt

Do

Bury their feelings and "get on with it"

Go along with or gives into their partner to avoid arguments or other repercussions

Rationalise ‘abusive’ behaviour

What should I do next?

If you are:

Experiencing abuse and need advice
Unsure if what you’re going through is abuse
Worried about a friend or relative

You can call the 24-hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on:

Calls to this number are free of charge and will not appear in your call history. All calls are private, confidential and, if you prefer, anonymous. The helpline can provide access to an interpreter for non-English-speaking callers. For further information, see the Helpline FAQs.

If you’re not ready to call, online forums (such as those on the Women’s Aid website) offer safe, anonymous spaces where women share experiences and support one another. There are specific sections for different topics, including ‘is it abuse?’.
Please note that this forum does not allow seeking advice on behalf of a third party.

⚠️ Remember to keep your online activity private. For more information about this, see our advice on covering your tracks.

Worried about someone else?

If you’re concerned that a friend, family member, or colleague might be experiencing abuse, you don’t have to stay silent. Take a look at our worried about someone else? page for advice on how to spot the signs and ways you can safely offer support.

How we can help

At Nottingham Central Women’s Aid, we provide practical and emotional support to women and children through our safe spaces and tailored services, standing alongside you as you take steps toward safety and rebuilding your life.

Take a look at our services

For more information about support after leaving, read our guide on life after leaving.

Remember you are not alone

Abuse is never your fault. Nottingham Central Women’s Aid has helped countless women and their families escape from abusive situations. Read about some of the women we have helped on our impact page.

If you’re ready to take the next step, take a look at our page on leaving an abusive relationship.